This post has been long overdue. Thanks you soooo much to StickyFingers and Clinically Fed Up for chosing my photography as one of the 12 runners up on The Gallery – Theme: Nature (JULY 28, 2010).
What a great way to start the day than to recieve a box of Green & Black goodies through the post? 
Which brighten up my usually dry Friday. So thank you Tara and thanks to the team at Green & Blacks for sending me my choccies at lightning speed! 
The pleasures of blogging
Just as well as I’m a HUGE Green & Blacks fan, I have the recipe book to prove it.
Even the cover looks tasty
Something I'd like to try one day
And to top the great day I was having, here is a ‘bunch’ of flowers that my two year old picked for me this afternoon. He came running in from the garden with something crumpled in his hand, then showing me and saying in the most adorable way…
“Wub you mummy!” You know, moments like these makes you realise how great it is being a Mom Have a great weekend everyone!
Flowers from Sam
In the new millennium, we`re fighting against the icon of the perfect mother. I don`t know about here, but in America you`re not allowed to talk about how it`s driving you crazy, or how you don`t like it, or how, if you have to give a bath one more time, you`re going to pull your hair out. Because then you`re considered a bad mom.
There`s a very established conversation or litany, which is, `Isn`t motherhood the best?` To me, that question just isn`t applicable. You can complain about your job, you can complain about your husband, you can complain about your friends, but God forbid you complain about your kids.
-Felicity Huffman
You know, I think it’s a bad idea writing this post while I’m so down with myself. But what the heck, as I said, this blog is about everything that is going on in my life; the high and the lows, and I’m the kind of person that likes to get things out in the open. Even though you probably don’t want to hear it. But this the only space where I feel free to write and let out some overdue frustration that has been bugging me for a while.
I’m tired. I feel over worked. I feel like I’m battling something that can never be won. I love my kids, I really do. But everyday is so much hard work. I feel such a drama queen telling you all about this, but at the moment, I look forward to the end of the day when I can finally unwind and have time for myself. The constant bickering and fighting between my son and daughter is getting me down. I’m mentally drained and physically exhausted. Not to mention my 2 year old who needs constant stimulation every hour of the day.
I admire my brother for always reminding me that being a mother is the hardest job of all. Of course, it’s a well known cliché. But to hear a man tell you how it is, specially coming from your own brother means a lot. Sometimes, it brings tears to my eyes knowing that someone out there apart from my friends know how it feels and how much effort, love and consistency goes into bringing up considerate and well balanced kids.
I’m looking forward to doing my degree this September, but at the same time I’m dreading the idea of having to face another work load. How do I divide my time? How do I stay sane? Am I taking on too much? Am I too impatient? A control freak? Some would probably agree.
I want to do well on my business venture, I have a steady flow of clients that are demanding my time. It’s hard to juggle work, kids, being a wife and home at the same time. Specially when your work place is at home and having a husband who also works from home. There is no getting away from the monotony or the screaming or the demands of a 2 year old. I have to learn how to divide my time between everything. And its fucking hard!
I dont want to fail. I’m not a failure, I don’t even consider that an option. I have aspirations and I want to do well in what I do. Whether it would be at work, my family and my kids. But I cant help but feel that I’m loosing control. The guilt is always there, nagging at me. My kids comes first, but what about me? Do I put my dreams in the back burner and concentrate on being the perfect mother and a wife (if there is such a thing?). Or do I just say, fuck it, I want to do well, I want a life! Take it or leave it.
I confess now, if I had my time again, I don’t think I would have stayed at home for as long as I had. I think I would have gone back to work as soon as my son turned one year old. Funny how the social criteria of being the ‘perfect mother and wife’ has a habit of making you feel guilty. I don’t think I’m being selfish or love my family any less, but as modern woman, I think it’s also my right to be myself and not forget that even though I’m a mom and a wife, I am also a woman named Maria.
Note to self: Never forget that.
‘It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn’t.’
~Barbara Kingsolver
I’m tired, currently running on caffeine no thanks to my 2yo. Everyday I wake up hoping and praying that he will be in a better mood, free of tantrums, mischief and exasperating deeds. But no a toddler will always be a toddler. Let’s start with breakfast…
…silly of me to think he will make my life any easier by giving him the choice.
I look back at my ‘single’ days and think, OMG I had time to do that… did I really do that? How I wish I can do that now! Yep, to all you mothers out there, I guess that’s the one thing that we ALL have in common. We DID have a LIFE back in the days. Remember a LIFE? It was so long ago even I have a hard time remembering that I did!
Not that I regret having my little bundles of joy, now, they are MY LIFE and I wouldn’t swap them for anything in the world. Well…. maybe just for a night of drunken mishaps with the girls once in a while .
But seriously, there are so many things you take for granted pre-children. It got me thinking the other day, how much my life revolves around my children, they are literally ‘My World’. Here are just a few things that I really took for granted and sometimes wish that I appreciated more when I was living my life as a single party laydee.
HAVING CLEAN CLOTHES (ACTUALLY JUST HAVING CLOTHES!) – Nowadays, I seem to be wearing dinner as well as making them. You will find out right after you have your little bundle that having clean clothes just becomes a necessity. Going back thousands of years ago when the main purpose of clothing is to keep yourself warm, well, that’s what it’s like after you have kids. My penchant for fashion became a distant reminder of what it was like as a singleton, comfort becomes a priority. Well… you can’t exactly tend to your brood wearing the latest Alexander McQueen piece can you? Well unless you’re Mrs Posh Spice in which case I can be excused for wearing Antonio Berardi on the school run.
GOING OUT FOR COFFEE – Back in the days of the Friends social trend, going for a latte with your girlfriends is a must do. I never had to worry about bringing a suitcase that’s enough to change 10 babies, milk bottles on tap that you might aswell tow a cow.
Starbucks is now replaced by the local church hall, where are desperate housewives (yup, I’m one of them) commune to talk about their babies eating habits, bodily functions, teething problems and usually to complain about how much sleep they’re NOT getting, and oh yes, we do complain about our husbands too… and how on earth we got roped in this predicament. Must warn you though, that sex talk is not such a hot topic in these meetings, us married women save that for the Ann Summers Parties. Pure class!
HOW A 2 YEAR OLD CAN MAKE ME CRY – Oh yes, he’s all sweet and cute outside, but can be a little devil when he gets me alone in the house. Sometimes I think I have given birth to the Tasmanian devil disguised in a cute suit.
If only people knew when they coo and rally around him what he’s like for a day I’m sure they’ll also be losing their sanity like I am. This week, he has managed to make me blub like a baby by just doing things that he is not supposed to do. Like, using my new vacuum hose and washing basket as a toilet, using coal to write on the walls, pouring a bag of sugar in the sink, uprooting my lily plants… the list goes on. All these as well as coping with a temperamental teen and a moody 9 year old can make anyone want to check themselves in a mental asylum for a holiday.
WATCHING TV ANYTIME OF THE DAY WHENEVER AND WHATEVER YOU WANT – Having a HD TV and a monthly subscription to Sky+ does not make any difference when you have kids. You can own your own cinema and still the ONLY things you will be watching are Cbeebies, Nickelodeon or Disney.
I have found myself sitting there numerous times watching In The Night Garden without realising that my toddler has left the room 10 minutes ago. I get so used to the kids taking over the remote that I have lost the will to fight. Not only that it’s enough to watch these annoying pre-teen programmes like Zac and Cody and Hannah Montana , but the kids also LOVE watching the repeats! I mean…. how much American superficial & materialistic programs can the kids take? Sometimes its scary when I hear my children talking in American accents!
YOU EXPECT YOUR HAIR IS ALWAYS GOING TO BE THE SAME COLOUR- Everyday I wake up and look in the mirror and hope and pray that a grey hair hasn’t appeared over night. When they usually do, MrB hears an almighty scream from the bedroom. Though I’d rather not share what I said, but I guess you get the picture.
To be honest, I’ve been quite lucky. At a tender age of 33 (ahem), there are only about 3 grey hairs on my head, and yes, I can live with that. Maybe god has been kind to me and just given me 3 as a reminder for each child. If only…
HAVING A LIE IN – These days ‘lie-ins’ are more of a competition between Mr.B and I. When the weekend approaches we usually test the water on who deserve the most lie in during the weekend. Of course I would always argue my case, I’m the one running around all day every day, enduring tantrums, pre-teen moods and all other stuff that us suffering mothers have to put up with. I’m sure a well deserved lie in on a Sunday is not too much to ask?
PRIVACY – Not only that it’s non existent any more, the cat has also joined forces with the kids to diminish every last bit of privacy that I have specially in the bathroom. Hank (being a good kitty that he is) now also uses the toilet (evidence can be found here), and a few weeks ago, while I was happily sat in the toilet when he suddenly came in and started to shout abuse at me (in the form of kitty speak of course). Yep, I was thrown out by the cat from my OWN toilet.
Having a shower is not a straight forward routine any more, I usually have to arrange a babysitter eg: MrB or my eldest to keep him occupied or I would constantly have screaming and knocking on the door. I think I have mastered to shower in the space of 5 minutes tops, any longer than that is considered a luxury.
A PACK OF 4 TOILET ROLL WOULD LAST FOR OVER A MONTH – I don’t know whether the kids had taken into eating the toilet paper, but it never seem to amaze me when I find out that the new roll that I changed the other day is on it’s last few leaves. I know I should be thankful that at least that the kids take their personal hygine seriously but sometimes I wish they would just realise how many trees need to be cut down so they can wipe their angelic little butts. Maybe I should introduce the old Roman way of cleaning your self with a sponge on a stick.
YOUR WALLET WOULD ALWAYS HAVE CHANGE – Nowadays I don’t even know what change looks like, I live my daily life using my debit/credit card. I remember back in the days when I use to have a pot full of pound coins and actually save up at least £40 – £50 within a few months. How things have changed, my purse is constantly ambushed but they do have the courtesy to leave me coppers, even the parking machine doesn’t want them.
HAVING MICROWAVE MEALS WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY ABOUT IT - I don’t believe in giving your kids frozen or microwave meals for an ‘easy life’ so I do go out my way to make sure that my children have home cooked food everyday. But there are also times, when I really can’t be bothered and the last thing I want to do is slave over a hot stove at the end of an exhausting day. Maybe once a week I will be in that mood and will just give the kids fries, burgers and salad. Funny thing is, you don’t know how guilty that makes me feel. Back in my single days, I could happily live on chips, pizza and beans. The thing is, I think they would happily eat that everyday too, only if I let them.
HAVING A BATH IS A LUXURY - I don’t want to sound unhygienic or anything and I do have a shower everyday, but having a bath is a different thing. Actually, as I’m thinking back while writing this, I can’t remember the last time I had a bath. A proper bath, candles, bubbles, soft music… you know the sort. Why? Because I can’t or can I say nowadays I can’t be bothered! The only time I can relax and enjoy one is when the kids are not around (which is a rare occurrence), so that I don’t have the constant knocking on the door (specially from my 2 year old) wanting to be let in and share my bubbles!
WITHOUT HAVING TO RE-MORTGAGE YOUR HOUSE ON VACATIONS, CHRISTMAS AND BIRTHDAYS- Wouldn’t it be nice if you can set a budget on how much to spend over the holidays and birthdays. Even though MrB and I try to stick to the ‘plan’ over Christmas, we always find ourselves going over our usual budget, not only because of the kids, but we are also expected to buy things for teachers, classmates, friends and other people that we have never heard of.
My daughter is already planning for her sweet 16 birthday, and if she thinks she will be getting a limo and a 4 star hotel she better start saving now because she’s going to have to settle for a taxi and the local Working Mans Club with DJ Star from Pudsey as her entertainment for the night.
So ladies and gentlemen, care to share what you miss the most before having kids? Or have I hit the nail on the head? 
