In the new millennium, we`re fighting against the icon of the perfect mother. I don`t know about here, but in America you`re not allowed to talk about how it`s driving you crazy, or how you don`t like it, or how, if you have to give a bath one more time, you`re going to pull your hair out. Because then you`re considered a bad mom.

There`s a very established conversation or litany, which is, `Isn`t motherhood the best?` To me, that question just isn`t applicable. You can complain about your job, you can complain about your husband, you can complain about your friends, but God forbid you complain about your kids.

-Felicity Huffman

You know, I think it’s a bad idea writing this post while I’m so down with myself. But what the heck, as I said, this blog is about everything that is going on in my life; the high and the lows, and I’m the kind of person that likes to get things out in the open. Even though you probably don’t want to hear it. But this the only space where I feel free to write and let out some overdue frustration that has been bugging me for a while.

I’m tired. I feel over worked. I feel like I’m battling something that can never be won. I love my kids, I really do. But everyday is so much hard work. I feel such a drama queen telling you all about this, but at the moment, I look forward to the end of the day when I can finally unwind and have time for myself. The constant bickering and fighting between my son and daughter is getting me down. I’m mentally drained and physically exhausted. Not to mention my 2 year old who needs constant stimulation every hour of the day.

I admire my brother for always reminding me that being a mother is the hardest job of all. Of course, it’s a well known cliché.  But to hear a man tell you how it is, specially coming from your own brother means a lot. Sometimes, it brings tears to my eyes knowing that someone out there apart from my friends know how it feels and how much effort, love and consistency goes into bringing up considerate and well balanced kids.

I’m looking forward to doing my degree this September, but at the same time I’m dreading the idea of having to face another work load. How do I divide my time? How do I stay sane? Am I taking on too much? Am I too impatient? A control freak? Some would probably agree.

I want to do well on my business venture, I have a steady flow of clients that are demanding my time. It’s hard to juggle work, kids, being a wife and home at the same time. Specially when your work place is at home and having a husband who also works from home.  There is no getting away from the monotony or the screaming or the demands of a 2 year old. I have to learn how to divide my time between everything. And its fucking hard!

I dont want to fail. I’m not a failure, I don’t even consider that an option.  I have aspirations and I want to do well in what I do. Whether it would be at work, my family and my kids. But I cant help but feel that I’m loosing control. The guilt is always there, nagging at me. My kids comes first, but what about me? Do I put my dreams in the back burner and concentrate on being the perfect mother and a wife (if there is such a thing?). Or do I just say, fuck it, I want to do well, I want a life!  Take it or leave it.

I confess now, if I had my time again, I don’t think I would have stayed at home for as long as I had. I think I would have gone back to work as soon as my son turned one year old. Funny how the social criteria of being the ‘perfect mother and wife’ has a habit of making you feel guilty. I don’t think I’m being selfish or love my family any less, but as modern woman, I think it’s also my right to be myself and not forget that even though I’m a mom and a wife, I am also a woman named Maria.

Note to self: Never forget that.